She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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