a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
