he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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