Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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