Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
