Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
