I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
