I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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