I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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