Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
