I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
