This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
