i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
