I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
