She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
