Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
