im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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