The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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