Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
