this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
