I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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