We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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