Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
