Sober January is a disaster.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
