YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
