ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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