I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
