We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I need mimosas to revive my soul
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
