based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
