he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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