Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
