i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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