I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
