no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
