this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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