the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I can tuck mytits in my pants
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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