So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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