So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
