The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
