mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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