I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
