There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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