What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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