I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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