Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize