I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
