Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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