Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
