Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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