We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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