I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
