finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
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