My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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