you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
