his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
