Betty ford says i'm here all night
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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