I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize