my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
