Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
