so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
