My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
