I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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