You don't have asthma, your pregnant
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
