omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
