Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
